*sigh* Today has been such a horrible day. One of the worst in a long time. And to top things off I'm alone as well. I don't have friends close by to hug me or try to cheer me up. I'm just up in my room, in a strange town, all by myself watching my family fall apart again. I escaped that 4 years ago when I went to college. Well... not really. Whenever I would call my okaasan (mother) we would end up fighting about who knows what. Me sticking up for my sister and brother while she bad mouthed them... or because she was tired of everyone calling her and then hanging up when she started yelling. My grades would drop severely at these times in school and I would be brought in to my teacher's office and asked why I was failing. Then my brother would call and tell me that he's in the hospital because of his gay lifestyle or he'd be crying his eyes out. Then my sister would call and I'd learn that her boyfriend was beating her, taking beer bottles and breaking them over her head. And now she had a daughter who is a little over a year old and she's still living this way. She's dragging her from house to house, man to man. Lillian's been watching everyone drink and smoke and do drugs and lie and cheat and swear. She's going through what me and my siblings went through when we were growing up. And it's killing me. My sister is falling apart and soon, if she keeps lying to people she won't have anything to hold on to. She'll lose her daughter, her family, her house, her husband. Everything. It's killing me to watch my baby sister whom I protected all her life live like this. I just want to grab her and smack her and shake her so she'll open her eyes. And all in all, I'm alone in this. I'm the center for everything because it seems like I'm the strongest. But you know what. I'm hiding behind a mask I learned to put on when I was 6. My father beat me, raped me, beat my mother, drank, stole, everything. I couldn't handle it so I forgot. I locked it away. My mom divorced my dad and we moved. She went from abusive man to abusive man. I forgot and locked it away. I was molested and beat and emotionally beat down. I forgot and locked it away. Then one day I was sitting outside. I was playing outside of the apartment we were living in and I heard a window break as a woman was shoved through it. It triggered memories I had locked away. I began to scream and scream and scream and scream. I ran myself into walls. I threw myself down stairs. I screamed and screamed and when someone would try to touch me I would lash out. I bit and clawed and kicked. I was locked away for a year in the local psych ward. A year alone with my mom and and older brother and baby sister only coming to see me once that whole year. Alone in a room all white. A room with padding and only a tiny window. A doctor who smelled like chicken patties. A wood working class and a wooden red toy car I made all myself. I learned to put that mask on and hide everything behind it. I turned my emotions off. I didn't feel pain when I was beat. I didn't feel anger when I was lied to. I didn't feel fear when I was kidnapped and raped. I didn't feel sadness when I had to move from place to place. I didn't feel anything. I locked it away. I was called a freak for it. Slowly after I moved away from that horrible life situation and started college on my own, I began to learn what it was to let go of my emotions and to cry. I learned to laugh. I learned how to love someone. I learned what it was like to have a loving family, my college buddies. But I still hid behind my mask when ever my mother would call and yell at me. I still hid behind my mask when my brother called me crying and broken. I still hid behind my mask when I heard again and again that my sister was being beat. I hid behind my mask like I still do and act strong so that my brother, my sister, my niece, and my mother have a strong foundation to lean on. But that foundation is crumbling every so often. Just like in nature a building or a sculpture or a piece of landscape is eroded with time by wind and rain and man. I don't know how long my sanity will last. But for now the only way I am sane is with the help of God holding me up and Gackt offering me his shoulder to cry on and my music to pour my soul into.
This is why I have come to love that man so much. This isn't some petty obsessive fan love. It's genuine. Like all the real fans out there know. Our love isn't something that can be washed away with time. It's forever forged in our hearts. He heals. He holds. He loves. He knows. He listens. He makes our hearts beat once again. Thank you Gackt for being there at times when I need you most, like now, when I can only sit here and watch as the world crumbles around my family. Thank you and I love you. Arigatou, ne! ^_^v
Current Location: United States, Missouri
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Rain [KnT] - Gackt