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16 July 2011 @ 07:42 pm
Hiding Behind a Mask  

*sigh* Today has been such a horrible day. One of the worst in a long time. And to top things off I'm alone as well. I don't have friends close by to hug me or try to cheer me up. I'm just up in my room, in a strange town, all by myself watching my family fall apart again. I escaped that 4 years ago when I went to college. Well... not really. Whenever I would call my okaasan (mother) we would end up fighting about who knows what. Me sticking up for my sister and brother while she bad mouthed them... or because she was tired of everyone calling her and then hanging up when she started yelling. My grades would drop severely at these times in school and I would be brought in to my teacher's office and asked why I was failing. Then my brother would call and tell me that he's in the hospital because of his gay lifestyle or he'd be crying his eyes out. Then my sister would call and I'd learn that her boyfriend was beating her, taking beer bottles and breaking them over her head. And now she had a daughter who is a little over a year old and she's still living this way. She's dragging her from house to house, man to man. Lillian's been watching everyone drink and smoke and do drugs and lie and cheat and swear. She's going through what me and my siblings went through when we were growing up. And it's killing me. My sister is falling apart and soon, if she keeps lying to people she won't have anything to hold on to. She'll lose her daughter, her family, her house, her husband. Everything. It's killing me to watch my baby sister whom I protected all her life live like this. I just want to grab her and smack her and shake her so she'll open her eyes. And all in all, I'm alone in this. I'm the center for everything because it seems like I'm the strongest. But you know what. I'm hiding behind a mask I learned to put on when I was 6. My father beat me, raped me, beat my mother, drank, stole, everything. I couldn't handle it so I forgot. I locked it away. My mom divorced my dad and we moved. She went from abusive man to abusive man. I forgot and locked it away. I was molested and beat and emotionally beat down. I forgot and locked it away. Then one day I was sitting outside. I was playing outside of the apartment we were living in and I heard a window break as a woman was shoved through it. It triggered memories I had locked away. I began to scream and scream and scream and scream. I ran myself into walls. I threw myself down stairs. I screamed and screamed and when someone would try to touch me I would lash out. I bit and clawed and kicked. I was locked away for a year in the local psych ward. A year alone with my mom and and older brother and baby sister only coming to see me once that whole year. Alone in a room all white. A room with padding and only a tiny window. A doctor who smelled like chicken patties. A wood working class and a wooden red toy car I made all myself. I learned to put that mask on and hide everything behind it. I turned my emotions off. I didn't feel pain when I was beat. I didn't feel anger when I was lied to. I didn't feel fear when I was kidnapped and raped. I didn't feel sadness when I had to move from place to place. I didn't feel anything. I locked it away. I was called a freak for it. Slowly after I moved away from that horrible life situation and started college on my own, I began to learn what it was to let go of my emotions and to cry. I learned to laugh. I learned how to love someone. I learned what it was like to have a loving family, my college buddies. But I still hid behind my mask when ever my mother would call and yell at me. I still hid behind my mask when my brother called me crying and broken. I still hid behind my mask when I heard again and again that my sister was being beat. I hid behind my mask like I still do and act strong so that my brother, my sister, my niece, and my mother have a strong foundation to lean on. But that foundation is crumbling every so often. Just like in nature a building or a sculpture or a piece of landscape is eroded with time by wind and rain and man. I don't know how long my sanity will last. But for now the only way I am sane is with the help of God holding me up and Gackt offering me his shoulder to cry on and my music to pour my soul into.

This is why I have come to love that man so much. This isn't some petty obsessive fan love. It's genuine. Like all the real fans out there know. Our love isn't something that can be washed away with time. It's forever forged in our hearts. He heals. He holds. He loves. He knows. He listens. He makes our hearts beat once again. Thank you Gackt for being there at times when I need you most, like now, when I can only sit here and watch as the world crumbles around my family. Thank you and I love you. Arigatou, ne! ^_^v

Current Location: United States, Missouri
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Rain [KnT] - Gackt
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 17th, 2011 06:16 am (UTC)
I am speechless. I wish I could offer you a hug in real life, and tell you face to face just how strong you are for weathering what you have weathered.

I guess all I can say is this: keep trusting in the Lord and listening to Gackt. :)
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 17th, 2011 07:02 am (UTC)
Yah... An internet hug will work just fine, lol, for now! I still plan on kidnapping you :P LOL. But thanks. Sometimes I just need encouragement. And I won't give up my faith and trust in the Lord or Gackt. They're done so much for me that I owe them a lot, LOL. *^_^*

*tackles you and huggles* hontoni arigatou gozaimasu!
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 17th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
Glad I could be of some encouragement!

I must admit, when I read that you depended first on the Lord, then on Gackt, I was a little shocked. Then I was even more shocked, because it hit me that that was EXACTLY what I have been doing ever since I was touched by Gackt's music. LOL.

You'll have to translate the last bit in Japanese for me. I only speak English. XD (Though, if you don't mind teaching a little, I'm perfectly willing to learn a new language, or at least bits and pieces of it.)

Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 18th, 2011 01:59 am (UTC)

LOL, I normally would have put G first, but God was there picking me up before I knew about that loving man we call Gackt. And I learned that God can only be first in your life. Or that's what I feel, lol. But G comes second because he has helped me just as much. One half of my heart goes to God and the other half goes to Gackt. My future husband will just have to have the crumbs, LOL... not to sound mean and insincere, lol. That is just how my heart is divided right now. And yes, it is shocking to finally understand that that's how it's been in your life. Because it's yourself, you don't see that until someone else comes along with the same exact thing happening. then it opens the eyes, LOL.

the last bit means (formally) thank you very much. hontoni = much, arigatou = thank you, gozaimasu = puts formality and emphasis on thank you. LOL.

And I would gladly teach you some Japanese, lol. I loved learning it and I want others to know it too so they can understand what I say :P I always speak in Japanese at school, lol, so everyone is like, "What?, Huh?" LOL.
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 18th, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)
I learned that God can only be first in your life. Or that's what I feel, lol. But G comes second because he has helped me just as much. One half of my heart goes to God and the other half goes to Gackt. My future husband will just have to have the crumbs, LOL... not to sound mean and insincere, lol. That is just how my heart is divided right now.

Wow. We ARE twins/two thirds of a set of triplets. That's exactly how I feel now, too! LOL!

Thanks for the explanation! I look forward to learning new bits of Japanese. :D
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 18th, 2011 02:58 am (UTC)
I am very happy to have found someone who thinks like me ^_^ You know... we might have been siblings/twins in our past life, LOL (as people always say :P LOL)

And you're welcome... hmm.. I might set up a blog or something of another were I can help you learn, lol. ^_^ I'm a good teacher :P
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 18th, 2011 03:27 am (UTC)
I'm glad to find kindred spirit, as Anne Shirley would say, as well! LOL!

If it's not too much trouble, setting up a blog would be great! I'm sure there are more English-only speakers that would love to learn Japanese, even if it's just a phrase or two a day. :)
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 18th, 2011 03:37 am (UTC)
I'll set up a blog then! ^_^ And other people can check it out too! First we'll have to teach you hiragana and katakana... can't help with kanji though :P i SUCK at that :P then we'll move on from there, lol :P You'll have to practice a lot for it to stick! that's what i had to do, lol. Watching anime and japanese dramas helped too. and watching/listening to Gackt and japanese music, LOL.
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 18th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)
Okay! *rubs hands together* Well, at least I've already got listening to Gackt and Japanese music down. :)
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 18th, 2011 07:46 pm (UTC)
HAHA, that's good! I think how I'll do it is show a section of hiragana each post. Like a,i,o,e,a and ka's or sa's, and such. Because, without the basics... you can't really say you know how to read japanese, lol. even in romaji you have to know the basics, LOL. ^_^ I'm super excited now!
gothrockrulzgothrockrulz on July 18th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
I'm super excited, too! *bounces*
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 18th, 2011 10:39 pm (UTC)
honeyhunnyhanny: Mehoneyhunnyhanny on July 17th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)

..I'm not going to elaborate, but I understand the pain you've been through, maybe less but similar..You've been really strong all this time, don't break now..Not just for your loved ones, but also for yourself..I pray for you and your family to get through this and get stronger..

..this may seem insincere, but I love you, dear! ♥ Never give up! ♥
Ashuriicamui_girl_88 on July 17th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
*bear hug* thanks *^___^*

I'm not planning on giving up any time soon, lol. I might be crumbling but I'm going to fight till the last breathe I have! Thank you tons, you're such a sweet sweet person. You stay strong too. You're prayers are so very much appreciated!

It doesn't seem insincere to me. I am gracious for whom ever loves me however which way, LOL. And me too, for you're kindness and friendship! I love you! Dear!! Ganbatte! Ando, hontoni arigatou gozaimasu! ^_________^
honeyhunnyhannyhoneyhunnyhanny on July 19th, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
..always sweet for the people who need a little sweetness..v.v
*huggles cuddles snuggles nuzzles* x3 (Beat that!! >8D)

..good to hear you saying you're gonna be alright; Optimism is WIN!! Just like our Gaku~..8D

..dou itashimashite, dear~..♥